Tuesday, January 31, 2006 x 1:52:00 AM

Staying home sure has its benefits. TELEVISION.

I spent the day eating, sleeping, eating, sleeping…. And add tears and laughter that would definitely summarize my whole day.

Sister Act 2, The Ladykillers, Coyote Ugly.

Common Trait: Choir = Singers = Musicians

Sister Act especially tugged my heart strings…


Reminisced my choir days…

I was really passionate about the Choir.

There was this one time when I was in secondary one, I called upon all my choir mates to prepare for a performance for teacher’s day. It was difficult to handle my guy mates and frankly, to take orders from an effeminate boy would not do them any justice.

So the gals and I prepared for what is to be one of the funniest (not to forget humiliating) moments in my life.

On the day.

The girls were fully clad in their choir attire. My pianist sat patiently, her fingers trembling from the lack of practice. And I was backstage, passing the microphone to the stage manager as I changed my focus from being the master of ceremony to the conductor of a choir (which frankly I know nuts about).

The moment came… The girls were all ready to sing.

I walked in, gave a bow and lift my arms to shoulder level. I signaled my pianist and smiled at my choir, signifying the beginning of a performance.

This is the common routine of my choir mistress, Mdm Ong Foon. The last I heard of her… she was ill and undergoing treatment. I am unsure of those reports… some say she has the amnesia… while others say she is still teaching. But whatever it is… she has been a splendid teacher.

So the girls sung their best and my pianist did her best, with “unobvious” mistakes, which lead to an unsynchronized performance.

But we did our best. During our performance we generated laughter and it ended with some of the teachers giving a standing ovation for the effort.

So being the proud person I am for tackling a situation that I know nothing about… in this case conducting a choir… I sauntered out with wide smile.

At the end of the whole performance, I went straight to the back of the hall. I wanted to enquire about the choir performance.

The teachers were nice enough to praise about the effort. But they faces were red. They could not hold it any longer… and eventually it was said…

“Amin as you were conducting… your butt was conducting as well. It was moving together with your hands.”

I was embarrassed. In the situation, when I was immersed in deep concentration of the art, I was unaware of the body part that had a mind of its own…. Hehe.

My naughty ass did it again…

Monday, January 30, 2006 x 1:49:00 AM

I guess a recent event have caused me to be this way…

I felt as if I was a beggar…

Waiting… and waiting… for signal… of any form… maybe a call or a message.

I did.

Wow! Its wonderful isn’t it… how an outing can make you feel like a useless piece of shit…

I owe it to myself…

Yup I am to blame…

I can never look at the three of u the same again.

But don’t worry.

You are not to blame…

I owe it to myself.

Should have kept it strictly professional…

Why don’t we begin…

As of this second…

I hate myself for not inviting myself…

haha… oh well. Goodbye.

Oh shit! Can someone kindly stop this tears from flowing. really...
I don't feel a thing... but it seems like a bloody river...

Sunday, January 29, 2006 x 2:36:00 AM

In the train today, I realize how much we, young adults have lost our innocence.

I mean, look at us.


Our minds… raped of its every virtue.

Our eyes gorged of its every true beauty. (The beauty within)

Our tongue speaks of no truth.

Our ears perceive each lie to be genuine.

Our nose refuses to distinguish the foul.

Our tongue speaks of no truth.

Our skin soiled by each dirty action.


We have lost it.

As my darling sister stood crying, I sat down on the dirty flooring of the MRT.

Tears rolled down her once-rouged cheeks...

And by our sides were two young ones.


My right an infant nestled in her stroller.

My left is a toddler safe in the arms of his mother.

Their eyes locked.

Their smiles met.

Their sparkling baby teeth emerge.

Their youthful hands found a new action.

Waves exchanged.

Laughter galore.


We were between a newly-found friendship, created by two innocent beings.

They know no sadness...

They know no deprivation…

They know nothing of what is to come…

To Rizcarl Farfalla,

Personally dear friend…

I don’t know why you chose that route…

And I am in no position to judge…

I am not embarrassed of what I have done before…

Because what I did was something pure…

I loved.


Continue… to misjudge my every action…

but what I did before was true…

And only I can see to that.


Some people would delete the tags.
But I won’t…

Because I know…
I am real.
I am human.

Si hamba ini hanya meminta satu…
Iaitu untuk memaafkan si hamba ini jikalau telah menguris hati si sahabat.
Semoga terus memperjuangkan seni.
Semoga terus berjaya.
Insya’allah.

Saturday, January 28, 2006 x 11:32:00 PM

Today, after what it feels like an eternity, I went for my Perkumpulan Seni training after a month’s hiatus.

I met up with a darling sister of mine… only to spend our late lunch in tears. She was soaked and I was shedding it inside…

I never knew how selfish we humans are. But really… I am surprise at how bitter one can be. And with that I post the question to myself...

Am I going to be like ‘her’?

No. I know I am strong.

Will everything be fine when I ‘decorate’ my body with slashes?
Will the whole world cry for me when I exclaim ‘I hate you for making me this way’?

No.

We live each day not for anyone else but our own.

Why hope when there isn’t any?
Why reminisce when there aren’t any memories to begin with?

You poor girl… Why cheat in the first place?

Quit doing this to her… She doesn’t deserve you.

Now…

I ask all of you reading this…

“Would you fancy a life… living each day in constant fear?”

I know I don’t.

Stop.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006 x 12:44:00 AM

Sunday, January 22, 2006 x 8:13:00 PM

Reply to some tags

Iffah: Thank you iffah :) You made my day by coming down. Thank you to your girl friends too…

Melvo: Yeah lah must complain. Spoiler.

Dee: Dah update pun. Nah Amik Kau! Wurve u.

Sharifah: Hey… we love you don’t we?

NadyaNurul: Adikku syg… I miss you too. :) Will link you.. when I decide to put up the links yeah?

Ili: Don’t we all? Hehe :p

To 'by': Sorry about yesterday. Recalled those rejected days... thanks for coming by the way.




I love the camwhoring session with my angah so much. Hehe. :) I apologise for not inviting you for jam and hop. I thought you were working. :) But if it is any consolation... it sucked. Yup it did. Maybe you would have had fun... but it was too secondary school for me. Oh yeah... if you did go... you would have witness someone being really kinky with another someone. hehe

Saturday, January 21, 2006 x 5:16:00 PM

“To have someone who is young and comfortable with himself… it must have taken a lot to get where you are today.” – Mr Ferlin J.

It is inspiring to have him say those words to me. I guess he understands how much young people yearn to find their real identity.

I have found mine.

I played a sissy interviewer for my course’s Lecture Theatre Show (TP Open House). Again, some may say I am being myself and some are still convinced that it is a character that I pulled off really well.

“Amin that was really a superb performance, I have never seen such a professional theatre performance. (I laughed with exaggerated hand movements). You can get out of the character now.”

Personally, I do not know how to react to her last few words. She did not know me and surely I have not seen her before. We were strangers. She was convinced that it was just a character.

To me…

that character is me. I merely exaggerated ‘him’ to gather aching laughter. Those hand movements and subtle face expressions are done deliberately for endorphin-agents-in-our-body-to-create-more.

Three years I made that character mine. Three times my acting counterpart was replaced. Three times I have received a letter of recognition…

And three is the number of my past lovers who came by to watch me act as me….

It is nice to see my batch coming down to watch the LT show even though they have watched it for the past two years.

Thank you

And thanks to:

Mr Darryl D, Ms Evelyn Lau.

2004 Cast and Crew
Surekha, Daisy, Vanessa, Phillip, Ali, Bashir, Kinky, Bimbo and Sheryl

2005 Cast and Crew
Surekha, Daisy, Vanessa, Nick, Sarah, Darren, Adib, Jonathan, Kinky, Bimbo, Kelly, Rae and Sheryl

2006 Cast and Crew
Sarah, Nick, Andrea, Melissa, Sue Ann, Kelly, Rae, Eunice, Phillip, Owen, Haikel, Jonathan and Sheryl.

A priceless experience.

A wonderful script.


Behind that comedian is a tattered soul…

Friday, January 20, 2006 x 7:12:00 PM

We were aimless. We were confused about something that happened earlier and suddenly we arrived at the bubble tea shop.

Some people were ‘medicating’ their eyes with the sight of beautiful human beings.
Hehe.

It was a great, aimless moment. Sharifah was worried about her exam the next day and I wanted to let out some steam… which Dee did soon after. Hehe.

We sat there talking and talking. And we laughed at my bitterness.

That night, Dee and I had a long walk home. We were telling each other life stories and the last leg of our journey was filled with questions that interpreted our lives.

How can anyone measure sexual fantasies with the size of water bodies?

We did. I am a ‘lake’.

Anyways, she was nice enough to wait for me as I climbed up the bridge. It was like; we wanted to chat a whole lot more… about a whole lot of other things. I guess time does not permit us to do so.

The time will come.

Thursday, January 19, 2006 x 11:50:00 PM

Don’t you have those days when you just want to let yourself go and be a young kid again?

Those petty moments when you would go to someone and say, “Hey! I don’t want to friend you anymore.” – Say it with pouty lips and arms akimbo.

And walking away feeling nothing.

Or go to the playground and play ‘Catching’, not worrying or knowing what the time is.

I would like those moments back.

I hate cockroaches. I really do…

And I know what I did the other day was really immature. But it turned out fine…

Had a long Starbucks chat with Kinky. The poor girl, she needed some time out. Starbucks Simei is the place, and Old Chang Kee was just next door.

Quotable Quotes:
"Maybe Amin all he needs is just to ask and looking at her, she would give it to him…”

Hehe. I love you. I truly do. This girl speaks of the truth to me, she always does.

She is my constant. Her undying strength to guide me through tormenting moments should be rewarded. If only I could create a gorgeous, un-‘mat’, understanding and caring boyfriend for her….

She deserves someone to love her… but don’t get her wrong… she is a strong lady… Though she deserves to be loved… she does not need anyone to do so…

Unlike some people….

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 x 12:54:00 AM

I came up with the dance sequences for the seven sins. Gosh the dancers pulled it off really well. I am unhappy with my solo parts. I cut it short because the audience was not appreciative of the performance. Half way through they were laughing at the make-up and some of the characters. I pity those people who laughed; they were not equipped to handle such an intellectual and artistic play.

[Cue: Reader laughs]

I enjoyed the night.

And ‘by’ thanks. :)

P/S: Let your guard down and indulge in a little sin with us.- Ramkumar Kabetha Bai

Sunday, January 15, 2006 x 11:10:00 PM

I was surprise to see myself on the cover of the TP's annual report. Recalled the gruelling photo-taking session I had, just to get that perfect shot of myself holding on to the card.

I spend half an hour with my legs bent. I thanked God for my muscular legs (all due to the years of dancing.

And my fingers are gigantic. :)



Shahdon (my angah) did a short film of me. I am touched. Enjoy.

Angah, thanks ok :) You made my day.

I will update about my recent show with Dramatec soon :)



Vous ne m'aimez pas.
Mon coeur est pour vous.

Friday, January 13, 2006 x 12:56:00 AM

Currently I am reading a book entitled, Zenzele: A letter for my daughter – A novel. I borrowed this book two weeks ago and I am only at the second chapter.

I have never been a fast reader. I would like to take time reading a book and enjoy its content and absorb its every passionate details and adventure. And most of the time, I am never disappointed.

Well, Zenzele seems to be going on fine now. I enjoy reading about Africa and its many different traditions. I always enjoy reading books of other cultures, always something new to learn, always something ancient to pass on.

“All those memories, all the richness of our little traditions, are yours. You may accept or reject them, but they form your foundation. They are your very roots. In years to come you will be nurtured by them.”

Suddenly after I read that paragraph, I am reminded of my younger days. I was reminded of my beautiful cousins and the things we did when we were young.

I share a special bond with these people. Sometimes I am divided into two, when cousins from both sides gather in my house. I am closer to my cousins from the paternal side because most of them live in the east whereas my maternal cousins reside in the west. Even though both sides are of different backgrounds, I love them all. I still do.

The paternal side: We call ourselves the Ujangz. Our late grandfather was Haji Ujang Bin Jaalam. Such a kampung name. I later learned that during his time, that name was a hit. Hehe! Wow how times have changed. A name starting with Siti or even Abdul would send present children to endless shame. (I am so going to get it.)

But again I am only talking about the cousins who are born in the years 1981 to 1988. Yes we do come in batches, the reason because my dad is the youngest of ten children. And if you put an average of 3 children for each family, there would be 30 children altogether. 34 to be exact. And including my nephews and nieces that would be 34 + 6 = 40.

So my batch of cousins is the active ones. We are very open and very lovable.

I am sad that I am not close to the cousins beside mummy. They are nice people, all of whom tries hard to reach for their dreams and ambitions only to be pulled down by financial woes and internal conflicts. I still love them.

In fact, recently an act of love touched me. A fellow cousin stood up for me. His friend described me as “gayish”. My cousin was offended and admonished his friend for such a remark.

Though I was not offended, but such an act really showed how much this cousin of mine loves me. He even said, “That gayish guy is my favourite cousin.”

I mean I do not get that everyday. And what is surprising is, he tries so hard to connect with me and I am all the way in the east, perpetually busy. I never did take time to love him and understand him. Guilty as charged.

I told this cousin of mine… “I spent years ‘programming’ myself to take such remarks as a compliment rather than a mockery. I mean it is nice to know that you are noticed by being yourself. And I am sure with such a description, I am indeed being my true self.”

Hey as long as I am Real right?

Hehe.

J'aime votre contact.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 x 11:56:00 PM

I spent my late evening with a dear friend yesterday. A conference between two leaders – two close friends – two passionate artists – two special people.

It was a beautiful night.

I saw her in a light I thought only best friends would be able to see.

I realised that in every strong woman, there is a strong determination to keep on moving and make a difference.

This girl who was forced to mature at such a young age has truly become a lady with ambitions and talents that have been nurtured through real-life experiences.

I admire this woman. I admire her strength. Even in the presence of weakness, she is able to pull herself up. Not only herself but the people she loves.

No human being is God. No human being is a dog. No human being is an eff-ing failure.

Every human being is given a heart. Though there may be exceptions, it does not mean we have to allow ourselves to falter.

Never.

Ramkumar Kabetha Bai, you are the solution. The only solution.

Minangkabau proverb:

"Padi samo tumbuah jo siangan, adat samo tumbuah jo sangketo"
The rice grows together with the weeds; customs grow together with conflicts.

A reminder that good things are often accompanied by problems.

Monday, January 09, 2006 x 8:15:00 AM

It is early in the morning, I know.

I switched on my computer and played a few songs on my WMP.

Out of a sudden hearing a familiar tune, my youngest brother, Achu, was singing to the lyrics of Mungkin. Surprisingly he sang it right and he remembers the lyrics better than I do. Bummer~

As I look at him singing the song with a smile, I realise the only thing that he lacks is the experience and emotions that go with the song. He was merely uttering the words; he hasn't felt the emotions hidden behind it.

He has not gone through the pain of loving someone or even tested the depth of hope. You poor child… for love is one of the finest things in life.
Only with the right people.

*Thinks*

On second thought how I wish I was you, young and untroubled.


Danseur d’âme
l'amour vrai régnera

Sunday, January 08, 2006 x 9:31:00 PM

I am back after a much needed hiatus. I spent the blog-break swatting unwanted flies off my back.

Yes, and to those who still have my link in your blogs, I am grateful. I know some of you click on that link of mine hoping for a blog to reappear. And true enough, I am back.

The theme of my blog this time around, is “Real”. Why real? Maybe because I am sick and tired of people who are just too fake for words.

Yes there are plenty of them in this world. If I could pour them into a glass, it would overflow.

And sadly to say, I should be categorised as one.*Ponders*

But again who ever practices what they preach…

I know some ugly ducklings and maids don’t. *winks*

This time round, I will try to tackle such untrue sentiments and be real.


I was reading some blogs for the past few days and I surprise at the number of ambitious resolutions these people make. Yet again, I was one of those people before, all geared up to make a difference in this world.

“My resolution for this year is to make sure I assist all the world leaders in trying to promote world peace. For I am Amin Diva, a media student from Temasek Polytechnic.”

Fat hope.

It has been awhile since I unleash the bitchy side of myself. Hehe.

I guess my resolution for this year would be, “I hope to survive 2006.”

I mean with all the tension going on around the world, the natural disasters and ugly backstabbers who are we to predict whether we will live the next day.

Oh well.

I am Real.

Are you?

Danseur d'âme
Je ne vous pardonnerai jamais.